This week has been an amazing week in running for me. I've put on my fancy cold weather gear, and headed out nearly ever night this week and have completed routes that have ranged from 5-7 miles. I've kept up with pace groups of cocky middle aged men, and have shown them that this gal, although not an 'athlete' so to speak, can hold her own when it comes down to hitting the pavement. Thursday was a great day as well. I ran six miles with the lone guy in an all girls running/yoga class, and was for the first time in my life called, 'fast'. So with all of this, I'm feeling good and carrying a head so large I can barely fit through the doorway. My insides tell me I'm an iron woman, but my outsides, well, they remind me that there are jiggles here and there that continue to make me look, well, less than the lean mean runner my sneakers tell me that I am.
Feeling this way leads me to the unavoidable fact: I am unhappy with my body. There, I said it. It seems that no matter how healthy I eat, and regardless of the many miles I run, I will never look like a Victorias Secret model. I hate the fact that I no matter how many crunches I do, my belly still has plenty to pinch. I hate that I can do leg presses till my legs feel like they are crumble, yet they will always resemble those of a flamingo. I hate that my butt goes from super flat, to kinda flat, and never comes close to resembling two canteloupes wrapped in a pair of chonies, regardless of the number of reverse ass blasters from Women's Health Magazine I do at the gym. With all of these disappointments, its a mystery why I even continue to dedicate so much time to working out and eating right at all.
I guess the reason why I torture myself with diet and exercise is due not to the fact that I am a woman and am genetically programmed to see a fat girl in the mirror, no, it is due to the fact that I am a former fat kid who hasn't fully come into her adult mindset. I am haunted by fears of going back to the plus sizes of the little girls department. After years of always being bigger than girls my same age, and being told over the years that it looks like I was 'finally losing my baby fat', its no wonder that I am a little concerned that I will be overweight once again.
This may seem like an irrational and silly way to look at myself because in reality, I know that I am not fat. In fact I fall within the range of what Shape Magazine says is the ideal weight for a woman of 5'7. But even though the magazine says I'm at a healthy weight, this obsessive gal doesn't want to be healthy, she wants to be skinny, and in order to be skinny, Ive still gotta drop a few more pounds. And so continues the never ending cycle. I joke that I'm a lot like Oprah, sometimes I'm skinny, sometimes I'm fat.... and if I'm really good, I'm super skinny, and the same holds true if I'm really bad, then I'm super fat. Ugh, curses to those who have awesome metabolism or that can endure an eating disorder, lucky bitches. I eat pizza twice a week, and the scale tells me I've gained two pounds. I'm engaged in a battle with my body that feels like I am born to lose.
But lets not get too concerned here. This blog is not a cry out for a body image intervention. In fact, the purpose is more so to proclaim that the inner fat kid in me is growing up. In the past week, I've impressed myself and others with the running skills that I almost never knew were there. Even though my body may not be as tiny Victoria Beckham's or Eva Longoria's, I am comforted by the fact that I could probably easily run a 10K with those bitches strapped to my back. I love the fact that I feel good. I love that my body feels like its being pushed to what I thought were the limits and sometimes even beyond. Slowly, I am coming around to wanting to become a picture of health, rather than a picture of Karen Carpenter. I am focused on improving my body in ways that will allow me to feel comfortable with calling myself a full fledged runner. With every run that I complete, I am becoming faster and stronger. My lungs feel like they have the holding capacity of air balloons, and as for those stick like legs of mine, well, lets just say, they are becoming a pretty damn solid after an hour out on the trails. Now, if you would excuse me, I just burned about 1,000 calories during a 10 mile run this morning, I think I'm going to get a goddamn slice of pizza, I've earned it.
